16.08.09
"Do you remember your ammumma's chettan...? He was tall... Like you... I think taller than you... Six feet four... Five..... No one was there to take care of him in the end... We decided to take care of him... He was bed ridden…... He had asked me to get him a bottle of kallu in the end... He said even a half would be enough... I asked him how I could get him that, when I have never bought one...”
“He said... There is a shaap at the junction... Just go in and tell my name... They'll give you my usual....... But I could not bring alcohol inside the house to give to a sick old man... My morals and the fear of what society will say made me reject his request…... A few of his fellow drinking friends used to visit him... I asked him to get the stuff through them………. He died without getting that last drop...... I have never felt bad about what I did till now... But now my conscience is hurting... I feel his pain because I’m in the same stage now... It would be same, if someone didn’t get me a cigarette or a pakku before I die…”
“One doesn’t know how much longer one is going to live at my stage... Getting one last chance of enjoying our favorite thing will be heaven on earth for us….. I declined that chance for him……. I did a terrible thing…... It was wrong…... I should have bought him that….. I could not understand him then…...”
“What if someone doesn’t understand me at my end...? I just wish that I don’t have to be bed ridden... I don’t want to make my children suffer... I want to die in one go….... You know, the best death is when you die in your sleep... You go to bed like always... You close your eyes... You never wake up…... But only lucky people get that... I hope I’m lucky…...”
“Why are you talking like this?? You are not that old... You'll live long...”
“What will I get by living a longer life?? I will be causing more trouble for you...”
“Taking care of you is not a trouble... It’s our duty...”
“It’s a duty….. But as I get older, my bodily systems will get weaker... I'll need help... Always….. Then, it'll be troublesome for both you and me... And I don’t have much more to see in this world... I would just like to see your chechi's marriage and you getting a job... Just one more year will be enough for me... I just hope that I don’t get bed ridden.......”
21.08.09
12.20pm
"Sorry... The person who collects the bus fees has gone out... Please wait outside...”
“Now, we gotta wait till he gets back..... My phone's ringing... It’s from home...”
“Kannan, come home now….. Appupan is not well... Its urgent…get here fast...”
“Aliya, it was my Mom... She said Appupan is not well... She was crying... I'm going home... Tell others... K...”
Mom meets me at the gate... She's not crying... Though it seems that she was crying... Mom takes my helmet from my hand... She starts crying... In the midst, she says, "Appupan poi."
He went the way he liked... He fell down unconscious in front of our gate on his way home from the barber's... No broken bones or anything... Just a few scratches... I felt guilty... I could not give him the perfect exit... I must have got him his last cigarette, or at least his last pakku... I would feel guilty about it forever... Since I had planned stocking one of each at home, if the need arose... But I didn’t think the end would happen so soon...
Slowly the news of his last few actions came in... He had talked to people standing just near our house... They said he was cheerful and hadn’t shown any pain or exhaustion... The doctor also said that he died because his heart stopped beating... Not a stroke, but his heart just stopped pumping blood... So the end came fast like he liked...
Then came the message that made me happy... The local grocery man came to the funeral... He said, "Sir had come to my shop before coming home... We talked for a long time... Just before leaving, he bought a packet of pakku...”
That line told me why he was smiling even when he went down... He was savoring the taste, while coming home... Little did anyone know that it was he was taking last chance...?
Ever since my chechi's marriage was fixed, Appupan wanted it to happen no matter what happened to him... So, keeping in mind his last wish, we are going ahead with the marriage... That’s the least we can do for him now...
I would like to end this with words taken from a post we received from a colleague of Appupan...
"I pray to Lord Padbhanabha that may his noble soul rest in eternal peace"
